


The Sun Rises in Spite of Everything

by Fucking_Loser



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-09 01:23:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17397395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fucking_Loser/pseuds/Fucking_Loser
Summary: Remus is sick of struggling.Being a teenager is burdensome enough, now put lycanthropy on top of that and it becomes overwhelming.





	The Sun Rises in Spite of Everything

**Author's Note:**

> [...]  
> The sun rises in spite of everything  
> and the far cities are beautiful and bright.  
> I lie here in a riot of sunlight  
> watching the day break and the clouds flying.  
> Everything is going to be all right.  
> -Derek Mahon

„Merlin, would you quit staring at me already?“, Remus hissed, not looking up from his transfiguration notes on his desk.  
Sirius, sitting to his right, shook his head. „Are you alright?“  
Remus huffed. „Thank you very much for your concern, but I am perfectly fine. Why wouldn’t I be?“  
Out of the corner of his eyes Remus saw Sirius smiling faintly.  
„Well, for one, you’ve copied down the same line for the fourth time in a row now“  
Remus looked up at the blackboard, down at his notes, and up at the blackboard again. „Oh“  
He let himself fall back against the back of his chair and crossed his arms in front of his stomach.  
„And two, you look like you might topple out of your chair any second now“  
Remus frowned and turned to look at the boy.  
He shrugged. „I just thought with the full mo-„  
„Well, you thought wrong!“, Remus snapped, a little too loudly perhaps, because the whole class - including McGonagall - was staring at them.  
„Is there something you’d like to tell me?“, she said coolly, eying Sirius and him with her hard, stern gaze that told you step another toe out of line and it’s detention tonight, 7pm, in front of my office, do be on time.  
„Yes“, Sirius said matter of factly, pointing his thumb at Remus in a throwaway gesture. „Remus is feeling unwell, Professor. May he be excused?“  
Remus mouth dropped open in disbelief. That’s it, he was going to Azkaban on a lifetime sentence for the murder of Sirius Black, victim to an unfortunate incident of hit-across-the-back-of-the-head with-a-heavy-5th-year-transfiguration-textbook .  
McGonagall examined Remus carefully, and gave him a knowing look. She nodded:„Yes, of course. Would you accompany him to the infirmary, please?“  
„Professor, there’s no nee-“  
„That wasn’t a request, Mr. Lupin“  
Remus closed his mouth and looked down, letting damp strands of hair fall in front of his eyes. „Fine“, he said quietly, hands balled to fists under his table.  
„FINE!“, he said again, this time louder, and closed his book with a loud bang. He leapt up from his chair so fast it nearly toppled over. Carelessly he dumped his quill, ink and parchment into his bag and swung his satchel over his shoulder in such an exaggerated motion that it very nearly hit James at the table behind them in the head.  
When Sirius moved to grab his own bag to follow him, Remus shot him a dirty look.  
„As you may know I’m quite well acquainted with the way to the hospital wing and should do just fine getting there myself“, he said coolly, not loud enough for McGonagall to hear.  
„Remus-“  
„Leave it.“, he said, turned around and strode across the room to the door, ignoring the piercing gaze of the entire classroom on his back.  
The force with which he closed the door behind him almost startled him, and for a moment he had to fight the urge to go back in and apologize, but he thought better of it and teared himself away from the door and down the corridor, least should Sirius decide to follow him, or - worse - he be met with the devastating wrath of an angry McGonagall.  
But what would she do, anyway? Make him spend the night in detention?  
He laughed darkly. Yes, he’d quite like to see her try.  
„Loony loopy Lupin!“  
Remus dragged his hand across his face as the head of Peeves the Poltergeist emerged from the ceiling.  
„What are you doing, laughing to yourself in the corridors when you ought to be in class?“, he howled, making a grimace. „Really, it looks like you’ve lost your marbles. Quite frankly it’s concerning that Albus Dumbledore would let madmen such as yourself into Hogwarts at all. In my time-“  
„Bugger off, Peeves“  
Peeves gasped. „The nerve!“, he cried dramatically and pretended to faint in mid air, the back of his palm pressed against his forehead.  
Meanwhile, Remus was unimpressed: „If you don’t leave me alone right now I might accidentally let slip what actually happened to the boy’s bathroom on the second floor in front of McGonagall“  
Peeves shot upright at once. „You wouldn’t!“, he gasped.  
Remus looked at him with a solemn expression. „I’m just saying…“, he said slowly and shrugged.  
Peeves blew him a raspberry that sent spit flying everywhere and went off, a chorus of „loony loopy Lupin“ echoing through the deserted halls even long after he’d rounded the corner and gone out of Remus’ sight.  
Remus let out a shaky breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding and slid down to the ground against the wall. He was longing for his big, comfortable four-poster up in Gryffindor tower so badly the thought of it nearly sent a pang of pain through his chest.  
The realization that he was, in fact, on the ground floor, and thus separated by 7 floors from the total bliss of his pajama bottoms and the warm space between his mattress and his bed covers, consequently almost killed him.  
For a short moment he considered his chances of making it to the secret passage on the second floor, but dismissed the idea because even if he was able to drag himself up to Gryffindor tower he’d eventually have to face the scrutiny of his friends, and even though they meant well they just didn’t understand and Remus would never want them to.  
Remus had no choice but to go to the hospital wing after all if he didn’t want to be trampled on by a horde of students when lessons let out for lunch in an hour or so.  
He was cursing all the way to the infirmary and by the time he got there, he was shaking all over and his clothes had gone clammy and stuck to his skin uncomfortably.  
As soon as he’d stepped foot into the room Madam Pomfrey was all over him, snatching his satchel straight off his shoulder and gripping his arm firmly as he made his way to the nearest bed, plopping down on it without so much as a comment.  
„Really, Remus, why did you wait so long to see me? You should’ve come hours ago. It’s downright irresponsible to attend lessons in your state. You’re nearly of age, you should know better…“, she chided him as she bustled around the room, collecting phials and potions from various cabinets.  
Remus turned on his side and closed his eyes, not even pretending to be listening. He really wasn’t in the mood to be lectured.  
Remus slowly brought the goblet up to his mouth, but before the potion had the chance to touch his mouth the all too familiar scent hit his nose and he began to splutter and gag and he hastily sat it back down, the sensation of sick rising in his throat.  
„I can’t“, he said miserably

***

 

As the moon rose ever higher in the sky and the pull of the great, white orb grew inevitably stronger on his aching limbs, hot tears of anger stung at the back of Remus’ eyes.  
All too soon his own body, every last cell would betray him, turn against him.  
And he couldn't do a thing about it.  
When he was a little boy he would scream and beg and cry, scratch and kick and hit with his little feet and fists because he didn’t understand:  
Why would his parents lock him in the dark, cold cellar all on his own, didn’t they realize what terrible things happened to him down there?  
They, of course, did know. And that was precisely the problem.  
One day he stopped, because his father’s strong, trunk like arms did always win after all.  
His limbs began to tremble now and he grew increasingly light headed with the rising fever.  
A low, guttural sound escaped from within him and he crashed hard onto his knees because his legs wouldn’t support his weight any longer.  
Remus dug his nails into the flesh of his arms, as if that would help him cling onto his own body somehow.  
Dirty half-breed.  
Part-human.  
Werewolf.  
He shook his head and rocked back and forth on his heels.  
I’m human! I’m human, can’t you see that?  
Remus shrieked in pain when he felt the familiar sensation of bones snapping, flesh and muscle stretching and twisting, spine and jaw elongating.  
„NO!“, he howled.  
I’m human. I’m human.  
human.

i am. i am… 

 

I- 

***

 

As always the first thing Remus is aware of upon regaining consciousness is the dull ache radiating from deep within his bones, the sensation of arms and legs that feel like they got torn off straight from his body only to be then botchedly reattached by some stoner in a dirty londoner back house with his great gran’s knitting kit and some packing tape he nicked out of the dumpster behind the costco’s down the street.  
After that comes the thirst so great it was hard to concentrate on anything else. Again the wolf had spent all night howling and snarling in anger at being locked in, separated from its prey.  
When he attempted to lift his left arm to scrub at the blood and dirt gluing his eyes shut it wouldn’t move. He must have done something to it last night, he thought dully, but of course he wouldn’t remember that. He never did.  
His suspicions were confirmed when he did finally manage to prey his eyelids open and took a quick, surveying glance to his left, where his arm lay immobilized on the hospital bed in thick, white gauze. He wondered for a second if Madam Pomfrey knew a stoner in London, living in a dirty back house at the end of a shady alley…  
Every fibre in his body screamed in protest when he wrestled himself into an upright position against all better judgment, but he decisively ignored them.  
Serves them right, the lot. After all he was at the butt end of a running gag his own body conspired against him month after month after month.  
Attracted by the noise he’d made Madam Pomfrey came in, and with her a tray of potions and - bless her - a pitcher of water. „Remus!“, Madam Pomfrey chided, sitting the tray down at the nightstand to his right with a flick of her wand. „You oughn’t sit up so soon, boy. You know that“  
She poured him a glass and moved to press it against his lips, but Remus shook his head. „No“, he croaked, and laid his right hand possessively on the cup.  
„Leave it. I can manage myself just fine.“  
She raised her eyebrows quizzically at him, but didn’t object.  
It turns out he could not, in fact, manage it himself just fine, because half of the content of his glass ends up on his hospital gown, rather than in its intended destination in his mouth.  
Madam Pomfrey’s hand twitched, but Remus glared at her and she held herself back, biting her lip.  
Remus gritted his teeth and grasped for the phials with his potions, but his hand shook so badly that he ended up knocking it to the ground and the clatter of metal hitting stone rang through the room.  
He threw himself back into the pillows and stared up at the ceiling stoically, refusing to even as much as look into the general direction of the matron.  
There they were again, the stupid tears. He balled his hands into fists, knuckles surely turning white.  
He would not cry.  
He, Remus Lupin, is not going to cry over things as stupid and negligible as this. No. Absolutely out of the question. He-  
„Remus“  
The mattress dipped under the weight of an added body and he felt the steady, skillful hands of the Hogwarts matron on his upper arm, careful, gauging his reaction.  
When the feared outburst didn’t come she visibly relaxed, drawn shoulders slumping, and a rare sigh escaped her lips.  
„Remus, what is it?“, she finally asked.  
„Nothing“, he said, still refusing to meet her scrutinizing gaze.  
„Remus, I have known you since you were just a wee little lad“, she said exasperatedly, indicating the height he’d presumably been with her open palm a little below her chest, „so do you think it’s even possible for me not to notice how upset you’ve been these last months?“  
Finally, he forced himself to tear his eyes free from their fixed position on the ceiling. He expected to feel a lot of things, the hatred, that flowed freely and hotly through him when he eventually did manage to look at her - however - was not among them.  
Yes, he realized in that moment. He hated her.  
He hated her for looking at him like that.  
He hated her for her calming words.  
He hated her for caring about him.  
He hated her for having to patch him up month after month.  
But most of all he hated her for doing absolutely nothing, fixing him but not fixing him at all.  
„I’m just tired“, he said lamely, staring at his balled fist resting on the impeccable neat, white hospital sheets.  
„That isn’t new, though, is it? You’ve managed just fine these past years. So what is it that’s really bothering you?“, she said in that motherly tone she always used on him. His resentment grew.  
„I told you it’s nothing!“, he snapped, lips pressed into a thin, white line.  
„Must be a whole lot of nothing“, she offered patiently. Then, with a small sigh she added:“Professor McGonagall told me about the incident in class, Remus“  
Remus' mouth dropped open: „She talks about me behind my back?“  
„No, not in malice. She’s worried, and so am I“, she said.  
„Fine. Yes, I’m tired. I’m so god damn tired because I ought to be in class this very moment preparing for my O.W.Ls, but instead I’m lounging around in bed. I’m struggling to keep up one week, then spend the next week scrambling to catch up what I missed and do as much damage control as possible over the two remaining weeks. Then repeat that old tired shtick over and over again. Meanwhile my friends are breezing through like it’s nothing because everything is flying at them and I want to rip their heads off half of the time.  
So I’m doing all I can and work myself mad, just to not have it matter in the end anyway. We’re having career advice with Professor McGonagall next term and everyone keeps saying:’Cheer up, Remus, what are you worrying for?’, but of course they don’t know. What kind of advice is she supposed to offer me, really? I mean, I know. I realized quite a while ago. But what if she’s just going to shake her head at me and say… and say…“  
Remus’ voice broke and he had to stop, rubbing furiously at his eyes with the back of his palm.  
This was the first time he’d assigned words to what he’d been feeling over the last months, and he felt like a deflated balloon after letting all these backed up moments of anger and frustration and despair flow out of his mouth so freely.  
„You know she isn’t going to say that because you’re every bit as bright and capable as your friends. Do you really think Albus Dumbledore would have had you come to school if he thought it pointless?“  
„Perhaps he was wrong all this time“, Remus whispered and his lips quivered.  
„Well, that would be a first!“ The matron declared boldly and squeezed his good hand reassuringly.  
Remus shook his head. She didn’t understand.  
„I’m tired“, he said again, staring blankly ahead. „I’m just so tired of this.“

 

***

Something is different.  
That, Remus knew the moment unconsciousness released its grip enough to allow him to feel his own body - his body -, the scratch of the rough linen on his skin, his shaggy bangs tickling his face, the rush of air entering his lungs every time he drew a breath.  
Human. Entirely, utterly human, no doubt about it.  
Remus fought to open his eyes - not, because dried blood prevented him from doing so, but due to sheer exhaustion - but he had to see for himself. Had to.  
Two arms and hands. No red or thick white gauze on them. Just his skin, criss crossed in pale silvery lines, some faded, some rather prominent still, but not a single new one as far as he could tell.  
Memories flooded his mind; Of pain so great it had made him scream in incomprehensible agony, but unlike any previous full moon since he was a little boy they didn’t end there. The wolf, too, had sensed that something was different even before it had opened its great, beastly eyes. For the first time ever it wasn’t alone. Something had penetrated its territory.  
Remus inwardly shivered at the memory of the fur at the back of the wolf’s neck sticking up skyward, body rigid and crouching low, ready to pounce…  
Sirius. James. Peter.  
The wolf relaxed a little and made timid steps towards the three animals in front of him, circling them and sniffing cautiously until it was satisfied the great black dog, the stag and the rat didn’t pose a threat.  
My friends.  
„Remus!“, the appalled voice of Madam Pomfrey called and Remus offered her a small, apologetic smile. „I’m sorry“, he said, and was surprised to find his voice almost intact, „I ought to know better by now - I know you don’t like me sitti-„  
He never got to finish his sentence, however, as he found himself in a bone crushing embrace the very next moment.  
„Oh, Remus. Look at you!“, she exclaimed and held him at arms length from her, her eyes traveling up and down his completely unscathed body and looking suspiciously on the wet side.  
„I’m so proud of you, dear.“, she said, and it hit Remus’ then that she truly did care about him.  
He felt heat creeping to his cheeks and his smile faltered. „I’m sorry. I’ve been truly nasty these past months“, he said quietly, hanging his head.  
„Hush!“, Madam Pomfrey said and got up from the bed at once, straightening her robes businesslike. „Now, you poor thing must be starving. I’m going to be back with your potions and breakfast in a second“, she said and walked hastily out of the room.  
Life, he thought, didn’t seem so bad, after all.  
In fact, he found it to be rather manageable.

**Author's Note:**

> idk man this has been sitting on my computer for 2 years now and I'd completely forgotten about it lol.  
> Also if you could maybe leave a comment that would be... uhh really cool!


End file.
